Stories and Art

Through a polymer clay email list I subscribe to I was directed to this wonderful post by writer and artist Luann Udell.  It really resonated with me.  I left a comment, and decided to copy my comment here.  I recommend reading her post first, but if not, that's okay too.  Here's what I wrote back.

Luann,

I don't think I've ever cried reading a blog post before.  It especially started to pour when I read the comment by RK.  I struggle, not with not knowing my story, but with believing my story could be worth anything to anyone but me, and because of that (admittedly illogical) belief, I have a hard time finding the courage to really jump in and purposefully try to express something meaningful with art.  I'm not a professional artist but I love to create.  I've jumped around from medium to medium, craft to craft.  I love trying new things, and my current obsession is polymer clay, which is how I found your blog -- but the part of this post and its replies that really resonated with me is the idea of believing in oneself enough to willingly lay your heart bare, to share one's story without (or in spite of) fear.

I've always had a hard time believing artists who claim they only do art for "art's sake" and don't care what other people think of it.  What's the point in engaging in communication (which art undeniably IS) if you don't want a reply?  The fear of negative, derogatory responses to one's work must be something every creative person has to deal with.  It can't possibly be just me, can it?

Writing has always been my first and most terrifying dream.  I'm trying to finish a novel that my family has been pressuring me about because they all want to know how it ends (which is gratifying).  Of all the creative forms I've played with, writing is the one that makes me the most vulnerable because it's the most important to me.  My story will best be told through the stories I write, like yours through the horses you create, and I'm frightened of opening myself up like that -- I let that fear stop me from reaching for my dream.

Understanding, BELIEVING, that the importance of expressing one's own story is greater than any technique mastered or possible financial gain, is a wonderful, inspiring concept that I think all creative people struggle with remembering.  I know I certainly do.  I thank you for reminding me so beautifully, and encouraging me to express what's in my heart.

Spirituality and stuff

Going to my parent's house for the weekend has, for the last couple years, been a little bit uncomfortable when time to go to church rolls around.  I don't want to go, they wish I would, etc.  This last weekend there was no choosing because it was general conference, and it's just on.  If you don't want to watch or listen, you shouldn't have come.  :)  It was pretty good, actually.  I cringed a couple times just like I would have in church, but for the most part, it was enlightening, like it's supposed to be.  There was one talk about discipline that I'm going to have to see if I can find online so I can reread it.

The point of this post, though, is that it occurred to me that I could be putting my focus on the wrong one of my 3 main goals (see the post from August 26th).  I was going to focus mainly on the physical and mental(creative) but my early plans for the physical goals fizzled out, and haven't gone anywhere.  I have made good progress in the creative arena -- more posts on that later.  I've got pictures! -- but I'm not healthy, and without getting healthy, I won't be able to accomplish all that I eventually want to with my creative work.  Perhaps I'm not getting anywhere with my physical goals because I'm pretty much ignoring my spiritual ones.  Okay, I know of the few of you who read this, most will be nodding your heads and thinking "well, of course," and even though I already knew that -- on an intellectual level, anyway -- I probably still needed that "aha!" moment to do anything about it.  Don't we all?

I'm reluctant to get back into exploring a relationship with God because I know it will involve change (something I've never been a fan of) and I'm pretty certain there will be a large amount of emotional pain involved (something I avoid as a rule -- you have to when you've got a chemical imbalance in your brain that amplifies all negative emotion beyond reason).  I suppose, though, any kind of creation is change, and if I'm going to create a better me, I have to be willing to undergo all of it.  It occurred to me to compare myself to the clay I use to make things with -- malleable, versatile, full of possibilities -- but clay is inert.  It has no control over what happens to it, and that's what I have been -- floating along, letting life happen to me -- and not what I want to be which is someone who lives her own life.  I am not the clay.  I can't let life shape me, I have to shape my life.  Right?

Anyway, if I can figure out what shape to mold my spirit into, then my physical goals will have the backing of my spiritual ones.  What I mean is, right now, my outside and my inside match.  I can't change what's on the outside without changing what's inside, and the inside has to come first -- and whether that's spiritual or just has to do with attitude or habits or all of the above, I think working on my spirit will help to change it all.  Like I said, I'm reluctant (nervous, a little resentful, uncomfortable), but I'm willing to bet this is the only way to make the changes work the way I want them to.  So, for a short term goal under "Define and Live Spiritual Beliefs," I'm going to re-read The Book of Mormon.  I'll keep you posted on what progress I make.