Discouragement & What To Do About It

Last week in church (not day before yesterday, obviously, since it was conference), I sat in a row behind two little girls.  The younger sister was drawing on a blank pad and the older was writing on a 5"x7" spiral note pad.  I happened to notice the first line read "Once upon a time."  Immediately intrigued, I tried to inconspicuously read more, but could only make out a few words here and there in her large, childish handwriting.  Among them were "princess" and "talking cat."  This was certainly a little girl after my own heart!  She was interrupted once by her sister who gave her a drawing that included a heart and the words "I lov u," which she accepted with a smile. She wrote studiously for several minutes until the page was completely full of words, fitting in the end of her last sentence by turning the page sideways and writing the last couple words perpendicular to the rest.  Then, after tearing the page carefully from the notebook, she held it out, beaming, to her mother.

Those girls reminded me so much of me and my sister at that age.  I remember turning the page sideways, too.  After the meeting, I asked the mother how old the girl was.  Seven.  Seven years old and she's already writing stories.  When I mentioned that I used to do that, of course the natural response from the mother was   "How did that work out? Do you still write?"  I was embarrassed to admit that I haven't pursued writing as aggressively as I once thought I would.  But if there's one dream of mine that I've always had, as long as I can remember, it's being a writer, publishing a book.  I started my first book around age 11 or 12 -- never finished, of course.  The one I'm currently "working" on, I started at least 12 or 13 years ago.  My natural inclination is to beat myself up about it, but I must grudgingly admit that the last few months, I have actually worked on it -- mostly by starting over, but it's still the same story.

So, I'm discouraged.  I'll be 29 for the fifth year in a row this summer and I haven't accomplished anything I'm really proud of.  Listening to conference this last weekend, I thought about this a LOT.  I don't think that's what the talks were really about, but that seems to be all I heard -- doing something to make your life worthwhile.  I think my garden is a good start, and Janette, my RS President has been thrilled with my new activity at church -- I'm getting involved with the mid-week RS meeting committee, and that's been fun so far -- but the one thing I keep coming back to whenever I wonder what I really want to do with my life, is write.

Getting to the point... The garden will be good for me physically, I've made a good start at going back to church and being more active spiritually, so my mental well-being goal will be to finish Twin's Magic.  Hopefully I'll have it done by my birthday, but if I think of it that way, I'll put it off until it's too late.  Instead, I'm going to write at least 2 pages a day.  I won't limit myself to 2 pages -- if I have time or I'm on a roll, I'll write more, but I'm going to do at least 2.  So, here goes!  Good luck to me!

Ready, set, GO!

The summer has been full of frustration for me -- frustration with the heat, with my weight, with my slovenly habits -- and I haven't written anything because I didn't think I had anything interesting, enlightening, or pithy to say. Well, I've hit a breaking point in my frustration. The point where it's no longer possible to shrug it off, to ignore my disgust with myself and take comfort in the very things that are causing the problems. I'm feeling more like me than I have in over a decade -- thanks to finally finding the right drugs to keep my depression at bay and under control -- and now I've reached the point where I can start changing the negative habits I slipped into in a futile effort to keep 'the pit of despair' from engulfing me.

So, I figure "Charity's Creations" is the perfect place to document the progress of "Operation Create a Better Charity." The operation has three basic long-term goals: 1. Achieve Optimal Physical Health, 2. Define and Live Spiritual Beliefs, and 3. Organize and Maintain Productive Creativity.

Vague enough? :) Well, here's what I mean by that. 1. Achieve Optimal Physical Health. I'm enormously obese. I'm not just saying that, I really am. I break into a sweat and start gasping for breath just hurrying up a flight of stairs. In order to change this disgustingness, I'm going to take HCG. It's a hormone, and it helps you lose weight quickly. I don't intend to go into details about it here, because there are plenty of websites that will teach you all about it if you're interested. It's enough to say that I've read the research, I've talked to people who have done it, and I'm convinced it's safe and, most importantly, will work. The diet that goes along with it is very, very strict, but it's only for 6 weeks at a time. I started taking the injections last Sunday -- the 23rd of August -- and my first week has gone okay, but not as well as I'd like. I've been hungrier than I thought I would be, but I also didn't get all the food I was supposed to eat, because I was unable to plan properly. The foods that I used to eat all the time kept calling out to me -- eat me! eat me! -- and I admit I slipped up a little because I was hungry and didn't have anything else at work. So this week, I plan my meals better and take them with me to work. Oh, and the George Forman grill -- my new best friend. I tried cooking a chicken breast and a steak on the stove, and it just didn't work well. I thought about buying a GF grill, but when I mentioned that to my roommate, Heather, she magically produced one from the back of a kitchen cupboard! (The benefits of having had many roommates come and go.) Anyway, love the grill! So easy, and convenient -- especially cooking for one. :)

So, short term goal to achieve goal 1, follow the HCG program for this first round. Even shorter than that, make it through this next week without slipping up at all. I don't know where my weight is at because I don't have a scale, but I started at my parent's house and their scale put me at 390.2 lbs. Yeah, I know. Told you I was enormously obese. I'm going to start going back to Curves, and I'll weigh myself there. I probably won't go back until I'm back on the grave shift so I can just go right after work, and that is one more week away.

Goal 2. Define and Live Spiritual Beliefs. I've been struggling with my spiritual beliefs for a long time, and though I've investigated a few different things, I keep not committing to anything. Mostly because none of it feels right, and I've had anger issues with God anyway. I don't want to live a life devoid of spiritual belief, so I'm going to have to choose and stick with something. I've decided to give the beliefs I grew up with one more chance (Mom, don't break the chair bouncing up and down in joy) and if it still doesn't work for me, I'll go on to something else. Short term goals for this, though, I haven't figured out yet.

Goal 3. Organize and Maintain Productive Creativity. This one was the hardest to put succinctly and therefore is probably the most vague. :) What I mean by this, is that I want to organize all the projects -- and supplies for those projects -- that I haven't done yet, and get something done instead of just always thinking I'll do it eventually. Eventually never comes! And I'm going to finish my book. I have been working on that a little bit the last month or so, but not consistently. Short term goal for here, is to write for at least an hour every day. I can do that. An hour is really not that long and I'll probably get so caught up that I'll end up writing longer -- of course, that's just fine, because I want to find out what happens. :) I'm also going to box up and store and/or give away most of the junk that's cluttering up my room, which keeps me from getting anything creative done because I don't have space. Then I'm going to work on my clay chess set idea, because that little king was fun to make and I've got good ideas for the rest of the pieces.

So, for family and friends, and anyone else who's interested, this blog is now about my journey towards a better me. Hopefully it'll be a good one. Hopefully I'll be able to share tips and insights, and encouragement for anyone facing the same types of problems (so the blog isn't completely narcissistic). Please feel free to leave comments, and here we go!